Racial Profiling, not just for white people. (A satirical news report on racism towards white people)


Another great accomplishment in racial equality happened in America on a cold November morning. White, American, Joseph Smith was racially profiled today. Joseph Smith is a full time security guard at a Fed Ex Grounds facility located in Champaign, IL. He is a first generation American , perhaps in a more liberal context, whose father immigrated (legally) from Poland well before he was born. “Despite the fact that I’ve never met my biological father, I sure when he came to America he didn’t imagine his child being racially profiled,” he told a reporter here at channel 3 news. The quote that stirred the controversy was, “I was born with a Mexican name so I know you people have a hard time understanding it. My name is Jose Sanchez with a ‘Z’.”  Joseph shares the entire experience with us. “See when a truck leaves the facility we need to record certain information from them. Since Mr. Sanchez was driving a non – Fed Ex semi I need his first and last name for the clipboard. Mind you we are standing outside of a semi that is typically running while we are performing this so there is a lot of noise, that plus the tinnitus that got while I was in the army, makes it very hard to hear so I had to ask him to repeat his name then he said his name again with his very ignorant comment. Since I was at work I had remain professional so I just wrote his name and let him exit the facility as per protocol.” We are unable to get in contact with Jose to get his side of the story at this time, but our very own anchor, Chuck Taylor,  did have some follow up questions with Mr. Smith.


Chuck – “Joseph do you deal with a lot of racial negativity here at work?”

Joseph – “Personally, I do not. I see many people come through here from many different walks of life. Some are white, black, Hispanic, European,  privileged,  working class, a few deaf people, and even some that don’t speak any English.  I try my best to be understanding and friendly with every one.”

Chuck – “That’s a very positive attitude. How can you maintain such a good outlook at work?”

Joseph  – “Well Chuck, I just follow the old adage of ‘Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit.’ Also I just keep in mind that we are here to do the same thing.”

Chuck – “And what is that?”

Joseph – “We are here at a job he hate to make a little money, I don’t want to make your job harder please don’t make mine.”

Chuck – “I bet you wish every thought that way. Joseph, how did you feel after that interaction with José?”

Joseph – “I was confused Chuck, honestly.”

Chuck – “Do you care to elaborate?”

Joseph – “Sure, I was hurt at first. Since I am Caucasian, I’ve never been victim to a racial stereotype to my face before. Also, though, I couldn’t help but be little proud of America”

Chuck – “How could you be proud of such an ignorant portrayal of your people?”

Joseph – “This is America Chuck. And for many years white people have been viewed as the racist type. I can’t argue that that stereotype is not in fact based on some truths. I hear racist jokes told by white people. I’ve even said a couple. I try to balance them with jokes about Polloks, the Irish, and Italians, you know predominantly white races of people. So maybe it was just karma. It’s nice to know that racism isn’t just done by white people. It may not be the best form of racial equality but it’s still a step toward an even playing field between races.”

Chuck – “So your saying that if everyone is racist that it’s better than just one specific race being racist?”

Joseph – “Yes Chuck.  America’s forefathers faught for freedom and equality. This is a dark example of free speech and racial equality, but an example of it none the less.”

Chuck – “I can’t say that I can share your optimism in this Joseph.”

Joseph – “Many Americans probably won’t either Chuck, but I was the one subjected here and if I don’t have any negative feelings toward José then I don’t believe any one else can either based on this situation. He may have had a bad day or something I understand shit happens. I’m choosing to break the cycle with me Chuck.”

Chuck – “Do you have anything you would like to say José?”

Joseph – “Of course. Nothing negative though.  First off I understand what a Spanish name is, especially when it is the Spanish translation of my name. So there’s one thing we share señor Sanchez.  I have tinnitus I got while in the army, it makes it hard to hear over a very loud semi engine. I thought maybe some one with a bunch of U.S.M.C. stickers all over their semi would understand the hazards of shooting various firearms. Maybe if we ever meet again José we can share some tequila or coronas under better circumstance”

Such an interesting interveiw. We spoke with members of the equal rights community and a few celebrities for their opinions on this-

African American bad ass Samuel L. Jackson – “I’ve had it with these mother fucking racists in my mother fucking country”

Liberal college students – “They don’t have racism in mexico. My professors have taught me it’s an American problem”


Actor, director, antisemite, and racist Mel Gibson – “I can’t hear my landscapers over the leaf blower, mower and weed Wacker either.”


South Park creators and broadway lovers Trey Parker and Matt Stone – “We are making that episode this week, you can interpret our opinion next Wednesday”


Racial loud mouth Jesse Jackson – “That honky rent-a-pig had it coming. That’s what you get Crackers!”


And, no stranger to racial tension, George Zimmerman – “I was standing my ground! I’m not a racist!”


That’s it from us here at the channel 3 news team. Be safe and have a good night

Disclaimer – The preceding interview never happened.  These celebrities never said these things (not to my knowledge at least.) The exchange between Joseph Smith and José Sanchez did happen but this a completely fictional interview if you think this is offensive go fuck yourself.

You could have wasted your time doing anything else, again thanks for wasting it with me – Smitty


Intro to Smitty’s…


1383408017509Hello fellow losers, miscreants, creeps, weirdos, and bored working class heroes. My name is Joe Smith, or Smitty, which ever you prefer. I decided to start a blog so that I may eventually refine my rants and ravings into literary gold, or just a couple American dollars, eventually that is. In my basic daily routine of just consuming precious life and oxygen instead living my life to the fullest, I seem to have a freak show of people and situations that seem to follow me in the form of a shit storm known as the circus of life. It’s those oddities that will fill the basic content of this blog.

Disclaimer: most of my problems are what’s referred to as “white people problems” so please don’t tell some bleeding heart story how it could be worse. I’m well aware of the fact that I’m not some AIDS infected incestuous fetus with no potential of surviving my formative years.

Disclaimer 2: Beware The Smitty puns, It’s my way of making Shitty a little personal.


You could have wasted your time doing anything else, thank you for wasting it with me